My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
