I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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