i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
