similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
