marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
