I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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