similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
