Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
