these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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