I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
