I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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