Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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