1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
