and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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