youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
