the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
