God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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