There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
