My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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