I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
