it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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