so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
