before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
