Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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