It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
