new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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