not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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