Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
