Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
