guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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