Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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