Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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