Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
