Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
