You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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