My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
