Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
