You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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