Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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