If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...