ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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