My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
