After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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