What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
