Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
