There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
