You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
