I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
