I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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