just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
