As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
