the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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