she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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