she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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