speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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