Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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