Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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