tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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