I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
